Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
