Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
