I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
