My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
