Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Randomize
