if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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