Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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