I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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