You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
