You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
