Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
