Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
