While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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