I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
