I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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