Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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