The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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