Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
