how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
