plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm really busy with my period
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