My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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