and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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