The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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