Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
