My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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