my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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