trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
