happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
