The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
