her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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