he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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