Four minutes until I can fart!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
