Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I want to be your penis for a week.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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