I cannot find my penis.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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