Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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