she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
