When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Michael Bay diarrhea
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
