I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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