im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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