I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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