Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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