I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
