if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
