Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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