I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
