Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
