God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
