how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
