I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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