The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Everclear isn't food dammit
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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