Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
