I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
