all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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