i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
