Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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