so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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