life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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