they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
