I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Is Oprah even human
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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