I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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