On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
